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Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by joerve, Jun 8, 2011.
The laws of golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a
United States naval vessel and the Canadians, which took place off the
coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The US Chief of Naval Operations
released this transcript into the public arena later the same month.
Canadians: Please change course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a
Americans: Recommend you change your course 15 degrees to the north to
Canadians: Negative. You must change your course 15 degrees to the
south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of one of the United States' Navy's
warships. I say again change your course 15 degrees north.
Canadians: Negative, I say again negative. You will have to change
Americans: LISTEN BUDDY, WE ARE THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER "USS LINCOLN" -
THE 2nd LARGEST SHIP IN THE US NAVY. WE ARE SAILING IN CONVOY WITH 3
DESTROYERS, 3 BATTLE CRUISERS, AND SEVERAL SUPPORT SHIPS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH IMMEDIATELY OR I WILL BE OBLIGED
TO CONSIDER COUNTER MEASURES TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SQUADRON.
Canadians: this is the lighthouse. its Your call.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 cent featuring Nickelback
I was going to crack a chemistry joke,
but all the good ones Argon.
The POLITE way to PEE !
Teacher trying to teach good manner
asked her students following question:
michel if u were on a date having diñner with a nice young lady ,
how would u tell her that u have to go to the bathroom?
Mick, ” just a min i have to go pee”.
Teacher: that would be rude & impolite.
How abut u SAM .
Sam said ” i really need to go to toilet , i am sorry”.
Teacher “thats better but still not nice to say word toilet,
oh u little Jonny can u use ur brain.
JONY said” darling ,
may i pl be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine,
whom i hope to introduce to you after dinner.”
So a blind man walks by a fish market and says "good morning ladies".
3 skyscraper windowcleaners are cleaning the windows of the 40th floor.
Then suddenly one falls out of the basket, and drops to his death.
The other 2 are shocked and one says, how we gonna tell his wife?
The other one says, I will, let me down.
so he's off, and back within an hour with a case of beer.
The other one says, what? I thought you were gonna tell his wive? whats with
the case of beer?
Yeah long story, i arrived at his house and shouted, Im looking for a widow named mrs wilson.
she replied and said, well, Im mrs wilson, but Im no widow!
So I said, wanna bet for a case of beer?
4 friends want to go fishing the coming weekend. The fourth friend says, sorry guys
I cant go, because my wife won't let me.
Well thats too bad, say the others, but we will go anyway.
So its weekend and the 3 arrive at the fishingspot, suddenly they see the fourth guy already fishing.
What the hell? the rest say, what are you doing here?
So the fourth guy says, well I came home friday from work, and my wife was completely naked and asked
me if id join her upstairs. Well I did and when we arrived in the bedroom she says, plz tie me to the bed whit this rope.
So i did. Then she says, ok baby, now you can do anything you want.
And now Im here...
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra fo...r my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
>Been dating for months now
>This guy named Joe comes out of fucking nowhere into my life
>He's my new coworker at my company
>Find out he had no money, no place of residence
>Moved here for the job and can no longer afford his hotel
>Decide to open up to him
>Keep him in my apartment for weeks
>Bro is pretty cool
>We play vidya games, drink beers, watch football
>This continues for months
>Afterwards, find out girlfriend is pregnant
>By all tradition, I have to marry her now
>One night, eating out at dinner with wife
>Joe stayed later at the office for some overtime
>I pop the question to my wife
>She admits she was raped by Joe and the baby isn't mine
>She isn't ready to make a commitment after being violated
>Go home in a fucking rage
>Throw out all Joe's shit
>Gonna fucking kill Joe when he gets home
>Joe gets home about 1 a.m.
>As soon as he opens the door, I punch him in his bastard face
>Eye swells up like a ball of cotton
>He swings at me
>Dodge and sweep his leg
>He falls down
>Go to my room, grab handgun out of my drawer
>Go back to confront Joe
>Joe jumps in his car and hightails it out of there
>I have't seen or heard from him since
>On the phone a month later with my brother
>He finally asks why I've been so depressed
>I tell him if it hadn't been for cotton-eye Joe
>I'd been married long time ago
>Where did he come from, where did he go-
>Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?
This is from a movie...
A guy walks into a psyhiatrist's office.
The doctor keeps showing him pictures, asking what he sees in each one.
He sees the first picture, says "sex."
"What about this one?," the doctor says.
He shows him more pictures, every time "Sex," "sex," "sex."
The doctor says "You're obsessed with sex," to which the patient replies
"Well YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"
THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN. I ACTUALLY HAD TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY FACE WHILE READING IT!!!!!!!!!!!! SOOOO FUNNY!!!:
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as pre...vious shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect
Who is there?
I ate mop
A proctologist is having a real busy day at the clinic frantically going from one patient to the other when the head nurse approaches him with a clip board and says doctor you need to sign this.
He grabs the clip board and starts signing but it does not seem to be working when the nurse says doctor you are trying to use a thermometer to sign your name to which he replies how do you like that some asshole has my pen again.
Separate names with a comma.