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"the tell a joke topic"

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by joerve, Jun 8, 2011.

  1. joerve

    joerve Senior Member

    Im bored so I started a jokes-topic, Ill start off:

    2 guys decide to go on a fishing trip but the third one says, sorry I can't go, my wive wont allow it.

    So the 2 guys decide to go without him. When they arrive at the lake they spot the third guy already fishing, they go like, wtf? So they ask him, how did you get up here?

    The third guy says, well, I came home from work, my wive was naked and she asked me to join her in the bedroom. when we got there, she asked me to handcuff her to the bed, and said, now you can do anthing you want!

    so now Im here!

  2. joerve

    joerve Senior Member

    or this one (no offence to us citizens)

    This texas farmer goes on a holiday to australia and he meets an australian farmer.
    So he immediatly starts bragging, wow, our farms in texas are much bigger.

    We also have a lot more land. Wow, I have twice as many cows as you have.

    And in the mean while the australian farmer gets more annoyed by the minute.
    Then the texan spots a herd of kangaroos which he has never seen before.

    So he asks the australian farmer, what the hell is that?

    The austrailian guy says, dont you have grashoppers in texas?
  3. Chocobo

    Chocobo <span style="color:#66CD00">Moderator</span>

    This is the funniest one I have heard:

    A man walks into a bar with a backpack. He unzips the pack and takes out a mini piano. He then takes out a 10 inch man. The man begins to play the piano beautifully. The bartender walks up the the man and says "Gee, where did you get the little man?" the guy hands him a magic lamp and says "rub it and make a wish" the bartender rubs it and says "I wish I had a Million Bucks!" POOF a million Ducks come marching into the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says "I think you lamp is broken" the man in return says "Yah. Do you really think i asked for a 10 inch Pianist?"
  4. joerve

    joerve Senior Member

  5. joerve

    joerve Senior Member

    (warning, not suitable for our younger players! lol)

    A guy walks in to a bar with a box . So the bartender says, whats in the box?
    The guy says, its a frog, and this frog can give you a blowjob like no woman can!.

    So the bartender says, yeah sure, I dont believe that. The guy says, you dont believe it? ok take it out
    for a testrun in the back and then we will see.

    So the bartender takes the frog into the back, he puts the frog on his dick, and the frog starts sucking like a 1200$ hooker.

    He comes back and says, I wanna buy this frog, how much is it. 250$ says the man and he buys it.

    He takes to box home to his wive, and she says, whats in the box?

    a frog, he says

    well, what are you doing with a frog? his wive says.

    he says: Well, Im going to teach this frog to clean up, wash up and cook and then im gonna throw your ass out!
  6. Raised in Hell

    Raised in Hell Senior Member

    lol, well atleast he wont have to teach the frog how to jump up n down (hop) ;)
  7. Mr Zombie

    Mr Zombie Senior Member

    Also NOT for Younger Players :)

    A guy is driving home from work on a monday night and he sees a bar and wants a drink
    so he pulls into the parking lot and enters the bar, Evening says the bar man what will ya
    have and he says 'Ill have 5 Vodkas, lined up in a row' so the bar man gets 5 shot glasses
    and lines them up in front of him and fills them with Vodka. The man necks the Vodka Shots
    one after the other with no hesitation and then leaves.

    The next night he stops at the same bar and asks for the same again plus one more,
    so the bar man lines up the 6 Vodkas and the man, he drinks them down just as fast
    and then leaves.

    Well this go's on all through the week with the man stopping at the same bar and and
    having his 5 vodkas plus 1 extra for each extra day. Come sunday evening the man
    enters the bar and the the bar man he has his drinks 11 Vodkas lined up on the table
    for him ready but the man he says 'Nooo! not to night' but why says the barman, you
    have been having them every day for a week, why not to night?"
    The guy says "aaw man, when I woke up this morning I found I had been blowing chuncks
    all round the house".
    The bar man looks at him in understanding and says "ah yeah! I can unterstand that!"

    The man looks at him odd and says "what ya mean you can understand THAT!
    Chuncks is my Dog" :D
  8. Sunburn

    Sunburn MG Donor


    Joke not meant for younger players:

    A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

    The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

    The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

    The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

    The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

    After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

    The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
  9. joerve

    joerve Senior Member

  10. joerve

    joerve Senior Member

    This guy goes on a holiday in spain and sits down at a restauranttable. Then he spots a guy on the other table, who is having bull-testicles. So he asks the waiter, I wanna have that too, is that possible?

    The waiter says, sure, but we are sold out now. You have to wait untill after tommorrows bullfight when we have some new ones.

    Ok says the guy, so the next day he goes the the restaurant again and orders testicles.
    He gets served but to his surprise the testicles are much smaller then the ones he saw yesterday.

    So asks the waiter. So the waiter says, yeah I know, sometimes the bull wins.
  11. August

    August MG Donor

    Today, I decided that I wanted to become a ninja. I went onto google and searched "Ninja School" and clicked the first link that appeared and it gave me "Error 404 - Page not found". Well done, elusive ninja school.
  12. lol lol lol
  13. Mr Zombie

    Mr Zombie Senior Member

    Ok so I got a Joke but I got to say sorry to the Ladys first.

    Ladys Sorry, I got to tell it, NO DISRESPECT MEANT OR INTENDED!
    I got this joke from Afroman so blame him lol

    A blind man one morning is walking down the street
    feeling his way with his stick.

    He stops out side the fish market and sniffs the air
    and says --

    'hmmm...good morning ladys'
  14. Mr Zombie

    Mr Zombie Senior Member

    Heres a second short one also from Afroman so if its
    crap you can blame him for this as well :D

    My dad said -
    When he was a kid he had to walk 13 miles to get to school every day.

    I said -
    Is that why you did not graduate
  15. joerve

    joerve Senior Member

    a dutch guy, a german and a belgium guy are arrested for suspicion of raping a woman

    so they get lined up in front of the victim and the officer asks, ok who was it?

    The belgium guy says, IT WAS HER!
  16. joerve

    joerve Senior Member

    A woman visits the doctor. She says, Im getting married for the 4th time and I wanna make sure everything is ok "down there". So the doctors says ok lie down and Ill have a look.

    After he checks he says, are you sure you are getting married for the 4th time? I can see you are still a virgin.

    I can explain she says,

    my first husband was a gynecologist, and he only looked at it.
    My second husband was a psychologist and he only talked about it.
    My third husband was a contractor and he always said next week.

    And now Im marrying a lawyer so im sure Im getting screwed now.
  17. davzee

    davzee <img src="http://mgftw.com/webdesigner.png" />

    Why I fired my secretary:

    Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
    "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
    I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
    My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

    As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
    "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
    It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
    I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
    We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
    She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
    We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
    On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
    I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
    She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
    After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
    "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
    "Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
    Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
    And I just sat there...
    On the couch...
    and erect.
  18. davzee

    davzee <img src="http://mgftw.com/webdesigner.png" />

    The missus came home steaming drunk last night.
    "You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink.
    "Not really," I replied.
    "Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
    Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...

    As I shouted, "THIS!... IS!... SPARTA!!" and kicked her down the stairs.
  19. Captain Obviuos

    Captain Obviuos MG Donor

    Two old ladies are standing outside a nursing home, smoking cigarettes. Suddenly it starts to rain.
    One lady puts her cigarette out and starts to go inside when she sees the other one simply reach in her purse, take out a condom, unwrap it, snip the end off, slip it over her cigarette and keep on smoking.
    "What's that thar?" the non-smoker asked.
    "It's a condom; I use em out here to cover ma smokes." replied the other.
    The non-smoker watched the other smoke a moment, then: "Whar do you GET em?"
    "Down to the chemist's."
    The next morning, the non-smoker made her way to the pharmacy. She found and asked the pharmacist, "Whar can I get some condoms?"
    As the woman was well over 80, the pharmacist was somewhat shocked. "Ah..." he began, "well, um, they're right over here... what, ah, kind would you like?"
    "It don't matter," said the non-smoker, "as long as it fits a Camel."

    The pharmacist fainted.
  20. Nova

    Nova Senior Member

    A UDP packet goes into a bar.
    The barman asks the UDP packet what it wants to have.

    The UDP packet didn't reply.

    Nova was never here

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