"the tell a joke topic"

Q: How can you spot a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It ain't hard!

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: Because it scares the sh!t out of the dog!

 

"Can you get some bleach and some washing powder whilst you're out?" my wife asked.

"Can you not wait until you've opened your presents tomorrow?" I replied.

 

condensed version to prevent tldr

3 Women, a white woman, an asian woman, and a black woman, are watching a news broadcast about a plane crash. They start contemplating what they would do if they were in a crash.
The Asian woman says she will always wears yellow panties because it is easy to spot bright yellow.
The White woman says she will always wear white panties because white is more visable than any other color.
The Black woman says she doesn't wear any panties when she flies on a plane because everyone knows the first thing they look for after a crash is the Black Box!

 

A young couple has been married for a few months and the husband feels the urge to go to a bar to see
his old friends to hang out and drink and he says, honey im going out, I wont be long!

Where are you going? his wife says..
Im off to a bar my darling, to grab a beer.

You want a beer my prince? she says?
Then she opens the fridge and shows him a frigde full of different kind of beers from 25 seperate countries and cultures.

The man doesnt know what to say and the only thing that comes to mind is, but at the bar they have icecold glasses!
Before he has even said this his wife interrupts him and says, you want an icecold glass my dear?
She takes an icecold pint from the freezer while she is shivering from the cold.

Her husband, a little pale says, yes honey, but at the bar they have snacks.
Do you want snacks honey? she says. She opens the oven and shows, chickenwings,
shrimps, smoked ham, etc.

But honey! he says, at the bar friends among eachother swear and shout and are rude
and more..

She says: Oh, you want to hear rude language and swearing?

DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER FROM YOUR FUCKING PINT AND EAT THOSE GODDAMN SNACKS
CUZ YOU AINT GOING NOWHERE GOT IT????

 

A man and a woman long married are working in the garden. She is weeding while bending over and he is cleaning the barbecue.
He looks at her ass while he is cleaning and says, wow! your ass is almost as big as our barbecue!

She ignored his remark. A few moments later the man went to get a ruler, measured his barbecue, then measured his wifes ass
and says, MY GOD, you ass IS as big as our barbecue!!!

She also ignores this remark.

That evening they went to bed and the man had an appetite for sex and started fiddling.
Then his wife says, if you think Im going to light that big barbecue only for your little cocktailsausage you are wrong!

 

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

When chemists die, we Barium.

I was gonna make a gay joke, butt fuck it.

How does Moses makes his tea? Hebrews it.

Why did the condom fly across the room? Because it was pissed off.

How did I get out of Iraq? Iran.

Vagina jokes aren't funny, period.

Got arrested while playing guitar, for fingering A minor.

*BA DUM TSS* :drum:

 

A father sits at the dinertable with his 2 sons and his daughter

His first son says, I am gay dad.

Then his second son says, me too dad.

Farther shouts, doesnt anybody love women anymore?

His daughter says, yeah I do dad!

 

**NOT SUITABLE FOR YOUNGER PEOPLES**

A business man's company tells him that he will have to take a long business trip to Japan for an important deal. Unfortunately, his wife has a huge sex drive, and he is worried that she might cheat while he is gone. He decides to go to a sex shop and find her something to keep her satisfied. He looks around for a bit but doesn't see anything he think would keep her interested. Just as he is about to leave, the owner calls him over.

"You're looking for something special?" asks the owner.

"Yes, I need something to keep my wife busy while I'm away so she won't cheat." says the man.

The owner looks at him hard then reaches under the counter and pulls out a small wooden box with mystical carvings and pictures on it. He slides off the lid and inside sits a carved wooden dildo.

"Whats so special about that?" asks the man.

"Watch," says the owner, "Voodoo Dildo door."

To the man's surprise, the dildo rises from the box and starts ramming into the keyhole of the door.

"Voodoo dildo box," says the owner.

The dildo stops and drops back into its box.

"That's amazing I'll take it!" says the man.

After paying for it, he heads home with a smile on his face. The next morning after packing he gives his wife her present. At first, she is dubious but after showing her the door trick she seems quite pleased, so he leaves on his trip.
After a week she feels then need for a shag but as she wants to stop cheating she instead gets out the dildo.

"Voodoo dildo my pussy," she says.

The dildo rises obediently from the box and starts to shag her brains out.
A hour and ten orgasms later she feels better. Then she realizes her husband didn't tell her how to stop it. She tries to pull it out, but it doesn't work, so she decides that she will have to go to hospital to have it removed.
In the car on the way there, she has another orgasm that made her swerve dangerously. A police officer sees this and pulls her over. He walks up to the window which she rolls down.

"Have you been drinking?" he asks.
"No," The now distraught woman replies, "A voodoo dildo is shagging me and I can't get it to stop! I'm on my way to hospital to have it removed."
"Voodoo dildo?" the officer laughs, "My ass!"

 

**NOT SUITABLE FOR YOUNGER PEOPLES**

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?



Full.

 

**NOT SUITABLE FOR YOUNGER PEOPLES**

What do women and airplanes have in common?



They both have cockpits.

 

A blonde is in a store and sees a thermos. She picks it up and
asks the clerk what it is. The clerk says, "It's a thermos. It
keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The blonde decides to buy the thermos. She brings it to work the
next day. The blonde's boss (also a blonde) asks what it is.
"It's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,"
explains the blonde. "So what do you have in it?" asks the boss.
The blonde answers, "Some hot chocolate and a popcicle."

A blonde took her car to the body shop after a large hailstorm had left her car badly dented. The busy owner didn't have time to work on her car at the moment, so he thought he would try and see if blondes really were as dumb as these jokes indicate.
"Oh, those dents are pretty small, you can get those dent out yourself by just blowing hard into the tailpipe." he said.
After going home and trying for an hour, she called over her best blonde friend Betty to see if Betty had any ideas.
After hearing about what she was doing she said "That'll never work, you need to close the windows first.


A guy met this nice blonde girl and decided to ask her on a date. She said,

 

What do you call a blind German?


A Not-See

 

Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

 

@ someone's math joke-- That makes no sense. e^x isn't afraid of d/dy, it's only afraid of ?/?y. The differential operator of d/dx yields e^x, diff. operator d/dy yields e^x * dx/dy, whereas e^x ?/?y yields a constant 0.

 

Ah they deleted their joke before I could finish replying.. whatever, my reply can stay :3

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?



BECAUSE HE WANTED TO GO TO THE OTHER SIDE

 

Back in the mid 1990's US Predident Bill Clinton AKA "Slick Willie"
was on his way to a middle east summit meeting in Saudi Arabia and
Hillary did not want to go. She approached Slick and said Bill please
I will do anything to get out of this. Bill grins and says well sure
you can blow me. Hillary quickly agrees and gets down on her knees
unzipping his pants and whipping it out but she recoils exclaiming
PEEW! your junk smells just like poop Bill. Slick displays a sheepish
grin and says, ya well, huh huh, Al didn't want to go either.

 

Why can't Barbie get pregnant?

Because Ken comes in another box.