:P Post A Funny Quote/Joke

Post A Funny Quote/Joke:

Soldier: [the Parish; when the Survivors contact the army via radio at the Bridge] Bridge, are you immune?
Coach, Nick: We are NOT infected.
Soldier: Negative, Bridge - are you IMMUNE? Have you encountered the Infected?
Coach: [indignant] Encountered? Boy, I am covered in zombie blood and puke and eyeballs, and twenty other parts I don't even recognize! We are immune as SHIT!
Nick: Yeah, you could say that.


Coach: [start of Hard Rain] We should be in an' outta here. Get the gas, get back to shore, signal Virgil with the flare gun in the gun bag. Then we should just, uh... um... aw, *hell.* Tell me *someone* brought the GUN BAG!


Coach: "I find a Burger Tank in this place? I'm-a be a one-man cheeseburger apocalypse."
Ellis: "Well, Coach? I aim to let you."


Nick: "Who the hell is Jimmy Gibbs, Jr.?"

• Coach: "Ohh heyyy! Jimmy Gibbs!" / "I heard of Jimmy Gibbs! That man's a stock car legend."
• Nick: "I'm getting sick of looking at this guy's face."
• Coach: "Well, trust me - in these parts? He's as famous as... Elvis. Or the President."
• Nick: "Really? 'Cause he looks like an asshole."
• Coach: "Get your ass movin', Nick."

[If Zoey was on the bridge] Coach: "Ellis. It's showtime, buddy."

• Ellis: "How do I look?" / "How do I look, man?"
• Nick: "Like you've been crawling through a sewer."
• Ellis: "You got a turd on your shoulder, Nick."
• Nick: "I'm not even going to look." / "I'm not even going to look, Ellis."

Coach: "Hey, Ellis, you ready to meet that Zoey girl again?" [laughs]

• Ellis: "Man, I don't know, what do you think? With the hat or without it?"
• Rochelle: "Just be your own sweet self, Ellis." / "You're great. Just be your own sweet self, Ellis."
• Nick: "Don't listen to her. You got five minutes to get this done, Ellis. It is do or die time, buddy."
• Rochelle: "I just think Nick is jealous." / "Nick is just jealous."

Coach: "Alrightalrightalright. We gonna stroll across that bridge, and the army's gonna take care of us."
Nick: "Or, they're gonna line us up against the wall and shoot us."
Coach: "Well, you free to make yourself a new life right here in this room, Nick."
Nick: "Okay, alright, lets go."


Bill: "We been immune so far, but - well, if I start to turn, promise you'll shoot me."

• Francis: "What if just your beard starts to turn? Can I shoot that?"
• Bill: "You are an idiot." / "A few years in the service mighta slimmed you down and shut you up, Francis."

• [ When he saw the Eastern Waterworks sign ] Francis: "Waterworks. That where you pick up your crying supplies Bill? Hahahaha...I am hilarious!"

Bill: "Speak up, Francis! Your voice got all muffled from your head being so far up your ass!" / "You know who's gonna survive this mess, Francis? It ain't the fella making jokes."

 

There's already a thread for stuff like this: http://mgftw.com/showthread.php/4543-quot-the-tell-a-joke-topic-quot

 

Oh, well this is more based on quotes. It can be any quote, wisdom quotes to wise cracks. Doesn't have to necessarily be jokes.

 

Sozka:
"I'm grump grumps,there's already a thread for stuff like this"

 

Garth Algar: Uhm, Wayne? What do you do if every time you see this one incredible woman, you think you're gonna hurl?
Wayne Campbell: I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.

Alan: Do I frighten you?
Mrs. Vanderhoff: No.
Alan: Do you want me to?

 

Damn right.

I love borderlands 2

Anything Tiny Tina says:
[video=youtube;8z7SfF5lXMQ]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8z7SfF5lXMQ[/video]

 

Major Strickland: [after Nomad questions Strickland on how he will get back to the aircraft carrier after the last VTOL on the island evacuates] I'm a Marine, son. I'll walk on water if I have to.

VTOL Pilot: [Start of the mission during pilot's introductory statement] Today's weather: shitstorm.

Morrison: If you want guarantees, buy a toaster.

Psycho : [Contact, when Prophet stated that their mission was a covert operation.] They won't even know what hit 'em.

 

Joke: "Why do Men get great ideas in Bed?"

Answer: "Because they are plugged into a genius."